honor

I took my great aunt to see Titanic in 3D today.

It was awesome. 

Life changers.

There are moments in all our lives that change everything. I refer to them as the life changers. They exist as moments separate of everything else because they mean so much more. Some of these life changers are good and some of them are bad. Everyone want their life is changed by the good but often it’s the truly horrible things that change us forever. These horrible things teach us to grow up and as they occur we slowly lose the innocence we enter the world with. We learn parents aren’t perfect and not all people are nice. We learn that life isn’t fair and that bad things happen to good people. We slowly learn that hope is something we must fight to hold onto and that sadness is much easier to come by.

Not long ago I learned that one of my biggest life changers was a lie designed in the mind of someone who loved me in an attempt to protect me. This lie caused me to end something that I thought would never fail me and it broke a part of me that I thought was untouchable. There was a part of my heart and soul reserved for love. Pure and innocent love. My whole life I believed that was the one thing that could never be damaged by the negative life changers but then it was crushed to a million pieces in an instant. And then I learned that the thing that crushed it never really happened at all. Suddenly I got back the one thing I always thought I would never lose. Just like that. In a moment of selfless honesty a girl who I loved with all my heart and lost in a haze of lies and tragic occurrences gave me back the part of my being that she brought to life in the first place. In that moment of honestly she created a life changer that I still haven’t been able to grasp fully. 

I’ve spent the days since then trying to figure out what it all means. And mostly I have been trying to figure out how to move on all over again. See I still love this girl with all heart but I let her go because of something she said she did. I let her go because I didn’t know the girl who would betray me in that way. But now I know that she never became that girl. So how do I let her go now? 

Dear Sydney,

I don’t get on tumblr much anymore but for some reason I did tonight. I saw the posts you wrote about the one year anniversary of your bone marrow transplant. Let me just assure you that you are not the only one thinking about it. I have been thinking about it non stop for the past week or so. Donating my bone marrow to you was the easiest decision I ever made. It required no thought and honestly when I think back on that day I don’t even remember the pain or anything like that. All I remember is your face when you said thank you. I remember praying to god that I would be able to save you. I remember telling my cells to kick ass. I remember praying that it would be enough. 

And every day since then I have thought about it. I worry sometimes that the cancer would come back because I worry that I gave you bad bone marrow. Both my parents are already dead from cancer. I couldn’t possibly have hit the DNA jackpot when it comes to cancer genes. So every day I wake up and I am grateful that you are still healthy. Every day since last April 1st has meant so much to me. When Sunday roles around and one year is finally here you won’t be celebrating alone. My heart will be with you. It always is, just like those cells the doctors took from my body and pumped into yours. 

You’re alive Syd. And it matters. You have fought and survived and lived for a year since a bone marrow transplant. That is huge, and you deserve to celebrate. I am incredibly proud of you Sydney and I always will be. 

I love you. 

Anonymous asked: Do you know what happened to Sydney? Her blogs and twitter have disappeared and I have been wondering if she is okay...

I’m not going to answer anonymous questions about someone else.